The Day I Was No More
by Jennie-Blossom
Summary: Helga is done, she collapses. She has heard enough. She needs someone and now that someone is gone forever. Who will rescue her from her sorrow? Rated T for sexual references and alcohol.


**I don't own anything.**

Helga's POV

The words rang in my ears like symbols ringing on a drumset. It gave my ears a slight buzz feeling. My knees felt weak, almost like jell-o. Soon after I felt the hard pound on the floor under them. My body knew they gave out but my mind didn't seem to comprehend. I heard my cell phone crash to the floor, I looked over to only find that the back came off. My face was wet and I saw the blurness of people all around me.

"Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Sweetie, can you stand?"

"Is there a doctor in the house?"

Everything was ring and buzzing and blurring. I had to get out. Everything seemed to close in, and my breath was short and heavy. I pushed open the heavy doors and ran out. The news was ringing in my ears. Olga...she was gone. The only person who gave a shit in my 22 year old life. When the fights got bad with Bob, or the vomiting for alcohol with Miriam got bad, she was there. Just a phone call away. And now she's not. Its seemed so unreal.

In the midst of my thoughts, I heard a loud horn. I had looked to my left to see a car at my side. He was honking. I wasn't sure why, but then I realized I was in the middle of the street.

"Move it lady!" The man's head had popped out of the mindow.

I didn't say anything, I backed up slowly and found myself on the sidewalk again. I felt so weak so I just sat down on the grimmy sidewalk, noticed tiny black ants trying to find thier way in this big world. Like me. Like how Olga did.

Late last year, Olga was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. It was a type of cancer in her bone marrow. I remember when she told us. It was the day after Thanksgivng. Her husband, Ron, had come up with her. I particually didn't like Ron. He was smug, wealthy from old southern money. He took Olga away to go live with him in Mississippi. Well, when I say take, they got married and she went to go live with him willingly.

I remember sitting at that kitchen table, staring at the tablecloth that had brown leave and pumpkins to celebrate the hoildays. I couldn't even believe my sister had cancer. She had began to say that she had felt pains in her stomach, and her weight began to drop dramaticly. But even though she was losting weight, her arms seemed to swell. She had gone to the doctor and noticed her white blood cell count was a bit too high. She said she had to go through so many test, even one where they stripped bone layers off her bone. I cringed at the thought.

But then, came the worst news. She said it had already spread. Her unhealthy blood cells were attacking her from the inside. In my mind I pictures white blood cells with pitchforks and torched attacking the red blood cells. She had told us that it was a Stage four. The last stage of luekemia. The doctors had gone treatment options, such as removing her spleen, chemo, and even getting a bone marrow doner.

I jumped up. "Don't worry Olga, I donate for you! I don't care how painfully it is! We have to fight!"

Olga looked at me with understanding but sad eyes. "Baby sister, even if I do all this, my recovery percentage is extremly low." She looked at her parents.

Miriam was burrying her face into her hands. I could hear small weeping. Bob was just repeating over. "Not Olga, not my Olga..."

Then I looked at myself, my hands were grabbing that ugly table cloth. My knuckles had turned white. I knew Olga wasn't going to fight. And no one was doing a thing about it. She was telling us that we were going to watch her die.

"NO!" I slammed my fist down. It made everyone jump.

"Hey!" Bob stood up with roaring thunder. "If this is what Olga wants, then we must support her!"

I couldn't take it. I grabbed a glass and threw it at the wall. I watched it shatter into a billion pieces and fall to the floor. Then, I ran. I grabbed my keys and made it out the door. And then I drove. I don't even know how long I drove. But I always have the same desination. Sitting outside of Arnold's house.

It had been hours, my face damp from a few tears. I looked up to see all the lights off but one. His was still on.

Through out highschool, I had noticed myself growning were a woman should. My waist was getting small, my breats getting big as well as my booty. My legs, long and slender. And I wasn't the only one to notice. All the boys at school did too. I began getting numbers and attention. More than I was used too. So became more flirty, but still agressive and upfront like I had always been. But I became powerful. I knew the weakness of men. I knew how to get them to do what I want when I want. I used them. Made them carry my book, do my papers and even wash my car. The only one I didn't use was Arnold. He still had power over me.

We had a lot of the same classes together so we began talking more. Not really about anything. Then one day, during science, he brushed my hair from my eyes and flirted with me. So throughout highschool, we play flirted back and forth. It was heaven every science class. It gave me something to look forward to everyday. But it never came of anything. He dated girls that were always older than him and that would cheat on him with any college guy they came across, and I used men like they were ragdolls. Then we graduated. I went to an art college a couple states away and got my Art degree in computer design. I was away for four years and came back right when Olga was getting sick. I missed Arnold everyday whole I was away, and probably wrote the best poetry in that absence.

I would come visit on winter vacation, only to find Arnold didnt decide what do yet. He had been accepted to numerous colleges from all over, but he got a job at a bookstore. He worked a lot and ended up scoring a mangement postion. It made me sad though, so much potential but he was stuck. Just one of those kids who can't make up thier mind when it comes to the rest of thier life. I would walk over in the snow and bring him coffee, and we would flirt like it was highschool. But instead of it felling wonderful, like it did, it felt shallow and fake. Like the flirting was just an act, I felt like he was one of the guys I had used and abused in the past. So I stopped bringing him coffee and went back to do my last year in college.

I looked up at his light and thought I probably hadn't seen Arnold in almost a year. Nine months, to be exact. And I missed him terribly. I still loved him with all my heart. He was the one that was supposed to take my virginity, but I dated this weathly guy from New York, and I really wanted a car so I gave it to him. I felt so ashamed and betrayed, but I did get a nice BMW out of it. I wonder what Arnold would say if I knocked on his door right now?

Instead of sticking around to find out, I drove away. Back home

Sitting on that sidewalk, in front of the McDonalds that I had a panic attack in, I started to feel rain. I looked up as I started to feel my pink sundress get wet. My blonde hair started to curl. The rain felt good. I felt so numb inside that the rain seemed to bring me back to life. I felt my phone vibrate and wonder how it got back together once breaking on that McDonalds floor.

My mom. Ron must've called her too, to tell her the news. The news that Olga died. I felt the lump in my throught. I knew it was coming and I was suprised it so late. My mouth was getting dry and I ran over to the garbage can infront of my. I vomited. My salty tears came down as if they were to clean my lips. I wiped my mouth with my wrist, I looked down at my phone. I had missed the call. What was she going to say anyway? Things I already knew and I didn't want to be the one consouling Miriam. Bob was there for that. Ron was there for that. I'm there when you've dranken too much and you need someone to hold your hair.

And Olga was there when I needed her. I need her know. I wanted so much to yell at her and ask her why she didn't fight. Why couldn't she hold on! But then all of a sudden, I felt no more rain. I still saw the rain, but knew it wasn't falling on me. I looked to find an umbrella hovering over me.

"Helga?"

It was Arnold. A handsome 22 year old blonde man stood above me, carrying the umbrella that was shielding me from the cold droplets. I wanted to hug him, tell him everything. I wanted the tears to flow onto his dry shirt. I wanted him to push back my hair like that one day in science. But instead, I cried sitting on that wet sidewalk nect to garbage can filled with my vomit.

"Helga? Whats wrong? Is everything okay?" He kneeled down to me. His warm eyes met my wet gaze. They were filled with worry and care. Something I so depreatly needed right now. I tried to tell him, but nothing came out. Just sobs. Big ol' fat sobs. I was really crying. I don't think I've ever cried this hard. And to think, it's right infront of Arnold. But I didn't care. I just wanted my sister back. I wanted Olga.

"Let's get you out of the rain, okay?" He said helping me up. Somehow my legs worked and I was standing. I pointed to my car not saying a word. He nodded and opened up the passenger door. He slowly set me inside and he ran around to the other side and got into the driver side.

I wasn't sure what was going on. Arnold was driving my car? He asked for my keys and I gave them to him. My sobs were now just quiet wimpers. I looked down at myself. I was soaked to the bone. My hair matted down and frizzy. I must've looked like hell. How embarrassing. I looked down at my skin, it was pale. It looked cold on account of goosebumps but I didn't feel cold. I didn't feel anything.

Arnold turned to me. "I just have to make a quick phone call, okay?"

I nodded.

Whoever he called had picked up and began to explain that he couldn't make it and that there was an emergency he had to handle. He apologized and hung up his cell. Arnold had to cancel something because he was taking care of my lameass. I'm so helpless. I started to sob again. I couldn't believe, me, Helga Pataki, was sobbing like a little girl. I knew I needed to be stronger but I just couldn't find it. I was falling apart all over.

"Hey, hey, its okay." Arnold put his hand on my wet knee. It gave me shivers.

He removed his hand and started the car. He put my car in gear and began driving forward. "Let's go someplace warm, what do you think?" He looked at me. I couldn't manage to say anything.

"I'm pretty hungry, lets go to the diner. Afterall those times you brought coffee to the bookstore, I might as well buy you some." He smiled at me and I managed to smile back but it quickly faded. There was to be no more smiling. Not on the day Olga died.

I thought back to the days I brought him coffee during winter break. I'd walk in the snow, sometimes it would be snowing heavy. But anything to get one on one time with Arnold. The bookstore had not a soul in there on days like that. No one would want to go to the bookstore in a blizzard. He would be on the otherside of the counter and I would be leaning on the otherside. Hoping he would take a glimpse at my gaping neckline. Which I caught him doing a couple time. We would joke and laugh. It was an escape. We never talkad about anything serious, like why he hasn't gotten a career or about my home life. We talked about highschool and friends growning up and getting married and having babies. It was fun and safe.

Soon after my thoughts had captured me, we arrvied at the diner. My body began running on auto-pilot. I actually managed to open my car door and walk up to the enterence with Arnold. Everything was going smoothly. He told the host for two and she sat us in a booth for four.

The waitress brought by waters and said she'd be with us in a mintue. Arnold told her to take her time. He turned to me

"You don't have to talk to me, if you don't want to. But Im here, Helga." He streched his hand across the table. I studied his hand. It was coarse but large. His nails were short but seemed to have an ink stain. I left his hand empty for some time and eventually he pulled back.

The waitress came over and he ordered two coffees, just before she was going to leave, I blurted out a BLT. She jotted it down and scurried away. I was just getting lunch when I had gotten that phone call at McDonalds. I was starting to get hungry as well.

Arnold laughed. "That's the first things you've said! I'm glad you're eating."

My mouth seemed to have diarrhea and I couldn't stop it. "Olga died."

I said it. _Olga is dead._ It seemed so real now that I have said it. I was real. And I was alone once again. Tears weld up into my eyes.

"Oh my god, Helga...I'm so sorry." He seemed so helpless from across the both. There was nothing he could do sitting over there. He couldn't hug or wipe tears away. He could only give verbal comfort from where he was sitting.

I burried my face in my hands. "Arnold, she didn't even fight. It's like she didn't care!" I felt like I screamed my my voice was muffled in my hands.

Arnold must've been confused because he didn't know Olga was sick. I never told anyone. But intsead of asking question, he just waited till I was ready to speak. Ready to explain what was going on.

"She was sick. Sick as in cancer." I lifted my head and stared at him in the eyes. "And I watched her die. I couldn't do anything, Arnold."

The waitress brought the coffee and told me my BLT was coming shortly. I watched Arnold fill his coffee with suger and cream. I sipped mine black. It was bitter and made me want to gag, but I didn't. I liked the feeling knowing I could still gag.

"Helga, I know how awful it is losing someone you love. There is nothing I could say or do that would bring her back." He stirred his coffee. "But whatever you need, I'm here for you."

He was here for me. I wasn't alone. My heart fluttered. I loved Arnold even more just now.

"Even if you need me to come to the funeral, I will" He said.

The funeral. I wasn't even thinking about that. Who will set the arangements up? And then the thought of my sister going into the ground sent shivers down my spine. Thats where she would spend the rest of forever. In hole in the ground, and above the world would still be going on as if she was never here. I held my fist tight into a little ball in my lap. It made me angry that the world didn't stop beause Olga died. It made me mad that even our waitress would never met her and never care that she was here. I wanted the world to cry with me.

My BLT arrived and suddenly I was became sick again. I was going to have to see my dead sister in a coffin. I was going to have to say goodbye forever. I stared at my sandwich hoping it would chew itself up and get in my belly somehow.

"Please eat, Helga, you need to." Arnold pleaded across the table. He had a grilled cheese infront of him. I looked at it oddly because I couldn't even remember him ordering that.

_I'm going crazy_ I thought. _I'm going in and out of reality like a schizo!_

I did what he told me to do, hoping it would help my brain. I began to eat. The bacon was crispy and the tomato was juicy and the mayo was tangy. It was good. I ate it much fasted than Arnold at his grilled cheese.

"You were hungry huh?"

I nodded with my mouth full, swallowed and downed the water on the table. My mouth was dry from the toasted bread. I was so thirsty. Once my mouth was clear of all substances, I looked to him.

"I don't wanna be alone tonight, Arnold, please take me home with you." I begged him. I couldn't even believe I was asking him this.

I saw his face blush. "Uh, sure, Helga. I would love to have you over."

I smiled. He said he'd love to have me over. Then I remember I told myself I couldn't smile today. "I'm sorry I'm being such a baby. I'm sorry you have to take care of me. And I'm sorry you had to cancel your plans today." I apologized.

"Don't worry. I was actually a blind date the owner of the bookstore set me up with." He laughed throwing his head back. "I'm glad I don't have to go now. I hate blind dates."

He was gonna go on a blind date. So he's still single. This is when I took the time to really look at him. His blonde hair was somehow messy but in place. He wore dark jeans, black shoes and a red tee that said 'Frankie Says Relax'. Retro. I wondered if that is what he chose for his date.

"Are you seeing anyone, Helga?" Arnold had asked, I'm assuming he's trying to keep the subject light.

"No." I shook my head. "I'm just not into it right now." Which was half true. I wasn't into dating but I'm really into Arnold.

After that, it was an awkward silence. To break it, he signaled the waitress for the check. He paid her and left a tip on the table.

"Are you ready to go?" He asked me.

I nodded and followed him out. I told him I could drive now and that I was okay. He gave me his car keys and began driving to his house, which I could probably do blindfolded. We arrived in a couple mintues, with an awkward silence the whole way as well.

I can imagine what he must be thinking about me. I probably freaked him out with my whole break down. Probably thinks I'm crazy or something. He's probably sorry that he said if I needed anything, I could just ask. He probably regretting even hold the umbrella over me.

We made it to his front door and he unlocked it and I followed him in. He turned on the light, lighting the once dark room and hall. "I'm just gonna go clean up my room so you can get some rest, so make yourself at home. If you want something to drink, kitchen is over there."

Oh, I knew where the kitchen was. I had snuck in this house so many time that I lost track. He ran up stairs as I made my way into the kitchen. I turned on the light to find an empty kitchen. I had wondered why the boarding house wasn't hustle and bustling like it had in the past. I opened the frige and noticed some juice. I looked to my right and noticed the liquor cabinet. This 22 year old needed a drink.

I grabbed some rum and cranberry juice and made myself a cocktail. I drank the first sipped and let the juices run down my throat slowly. It was good and definately needed. I felt my knees get weak. Not like they had at McDonalds, but the warm feeling tingling them. I finished my drink and made another one just before Arnold came down.

"So here are some clothes so you can get out of your wet dress." He handed me a X-large shirt and long pj pants.

My dress still felt heavy and I took the offer. I took my drink and headed to the up stairs bathroom. I closed the door and looked at the clothes Arnold had given me. They were his. I smelt them. They were definately his. I took off my dress and my bra. I starred at my topless body in the mirror. My hair was somewhat dry but still curly. I looked under the sink in hopes to find a hair dryer, which I didn't. I took a towel hanging from the wall and matted my hair until it looked somewhat okay. I put on the oversized shirt and realized it was almost at my knee. I didn't need the pants, it was a hot summer night anyway. I drank my drink until it was half way gone. I was feeling it. I was gettin tipsy. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. And I knew I had become my mother, drinking her feelings away. But I didn't care. I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to feel Arnold.

I walked out and down the stairs in hopes to find him. The kitchen light was still on but no Arnold. I walked back up the stairs and into his he was, sitting on his bed. He had the radio on and there was jazz. I could hear the rain hitting the glass ceiling. He looked over and looked down at my legs, noticing they were bare. He blushed.

I defended myelf. "It was hot so I decided the shirt was long enough to wear by itself. Is that okay with you, Football Head?"

He chuckled as if he liked the insult. "That's fine. You look cute just wearing my shirt anyway."

I blushed. He was flirting. Just like in highschool. Just like those nights at the bookstore.

"Damn right." I flirted back.

I sat with him on the bed and finished the last of my drink. I set the glass by his alarm clock and layed down. His bed felt so good. I felt like today was all dream and I had just woken up to find myself in Arnold's bed.

"I set up the couch for me to sleep on so you can have the bed."

I dont know what it was. Could've been the rum. Could've been the fact that I realized life was short. "Can you sleep next to me, Arnold? I just really need someone." I asked him, half suducing him, hoping it would work.

He blushed and nodded. "Whatever you need, Helga."

He grabbed his pillow from the couch and put it next to mine. My back was facing the wall and I was laying on my side. He turned off the light and layed down facing me. Then, he pushed the hair out of my eyes. Oh, it gave me such a warm feeling! I smiled. I could only hear his breath and the rattling rain. He put his arms around me and embraced me. He was warm. I could hear his heartbeat and it was fast. I licked my lips. More than anything, I wanted him now. I wanted physical contact. I wanted him to touch me places I've always dreamed of him touching. I wanted to kiss him.

He looked down into my eyes and it gave me a feeling he wanted the same too. I leaned forward and kissed him. His lips were soft and just as I was about to pull back, he wouldn't let go. He opened his mouth and let me in. We explored each other's mouth in the most passionate kiss I've had in my life. I realized I couldn't breath so I finally broke free.

He looked at me. "I'm sorry, Helga. I don't know what got a hold of me." His voice was almost a whisper. As if he didn't want anyone else to hear. "I dont want to take advantage of you during this time."

I looked at him, looked right into his eyes. "I need this. I need love."

He held his gaze for a few seconds and kissed me even more passionatly than before. His kisses were soon on my cheeks, forehead, neck and began to travel southward. He removed my shirt as I removed the rest of his clothing. And we made love. We made love listening to jazz music as the rain poured down above us. I moaned his name over and over, as he did mine. I was in completely extascy and it was the best sex I've ever had. Once we were done, his sweaty body collasped on me. He was breathing heavily. He kissed me on my lips.

"You're so beautiful." He said looking down into my eyes.

I put my hand on his cheek and smiled. This was the worst and best day of my life.

FIN


End file.
